Breaking through the walls

So I have had 3 weigh ins at weight watchers and today I am down 10 pounds. I am so excited because I so have not felt deprived at all. I have been here before, the first 10 pounds are usually fairly easy and then I self sabotage. I am not sure exactly why, I feel comfortable and relax a little, I feel I don't deserve to be healthy for some insane reason, I guess it comes down to not loving myself enough to continue. I love that I am aware this time around of my past slip ups and I am going to focus big time this week on going through that wall that has plagued me for years. I am so excited to succeed this week.

I really feel that this time is different. I have felt more secure about who I am and that I am good enough. That my weight doesn't define me. That my friends are my friends no matter what I weigh.

I have had so much support from friends and family. Thanks to all of you for being there for me and helping me realize I deserve this. It really means the world to me that you guys want me to succeed and be happy.

Update

So I ended up not doing so well on the Jillian Michaels food plan. I don't have the best self control which is why I am in this mess in the first place. Anyway what I have realized is I have to choose a food plan that I truely can stick to for the rest of my life. I have to be able to have a piece of chocolate every day if I want to. When I deprive myself of anything I want to binge and that doesn't work for me. I have done weight watchers in the past and it has worked for me. So I have chosen to do it again. I have done it for a week now and when I weighed in yesterday I had dropped 5 pounds. I know the initial weight loss is bigger than I will get next week but I loved the program. I never felt deprived. I ate easter candy, ice cream, salads, soups, whatever I felt like, I just had to track it. I never felt deprived. There is no such thing as a quick fix, believe me I have tried them all from atkins to hcg. Yes you lose weight fast and it feels great but it isn't realistic for me to eat that way forever. I have to learn to make right choices, and this works for me. I have great friends who are so supportive of me in anything that I choose. Thanks so much to all of you.

I still love the workouts though. I have been doing more walking which has helped me get my steps in daily but you can't beat Jillians kick butt routines and since hers is only 25 minutes, you can do both.

Thanks all for the support. You guys ROCK!!!

30 days

So my friend Tracie has been doing these fun 30 day challenges and I have loved them. Last month we did the 30 day shred and this month we have set 5 of our own goals. I have been doing pretty good on it and I bought Jilllian Michaels ripped in 30. I love working out but my real challenge is food. No matter what my plan is I really have a hard time following through. So when I got this dvd, Jillian included a monthly eating plan and it is actually pretty realistic. I haven't done it yet but today I decided that starting tomorrow I am giving her 30 days. I will be doing the workout dvd everyday but Sunday and I am going to do her eating plan. It really is doable. If anyone else wants to take a look at the plan it is on www.jillianmichaels.com/rippedin30mealplan. So I may be posting a few of my thoughts and struggles on here for the next 30 days. I am hoping by putting it out there I will have the strength to do it.

BTW if any of you have any advice about night time eating I really could use some. That is my worst time of day.

Testimony

So as many as you know I have a huge fear of speaking in front of people. I won't pray, speak or bear my testimony in front of people.

Today I had a aha moment about the atonement and I want to share or at least write it down so I can remember at times when I forget what Christ has done for us.

I am not a good writer so bear with me. Many know I have struggled with certain relationships in my life. I have held onto a lot of hurt, pain and resentment. I didn't live a perfect life and have made mistakes in my life. I went through a repentance process for one of my mistakes and I knew in my heart my heavenly father had forgiven me, however I couldn't forgive myself. Not for the sin per say, I really could care less about that but the outcome of it. How my life is because of it. Nothing was the way I had planned my life to be. I never felt loved, wanted etc as a result of it. So I was mad, angry and full of resentment. I was quick to judge a person in my life and never let him in. I always had a wall up and I wasn't going to believe anything he said because I was hurt. I wanted something that was never going to happen, It couldn't there was no way to change the past. So I have lived 12 years mad at my life.

Well when you are in a relationship and always mad it makes life harder and life was getting unbearable. I didn't know if it was going to make it. I was talking to a friend of mine who is going to therapy right now and she said to me. You know what Ms. ? would say. She would say "how long, how long do you need to be mad about this? 10 min, 3 months, a year, Take the time and then let it go. There is nothing you can do to change it. Let it go." So I thought about it for a long time and realized that I am the reason my relationship is failing. I have to let this go. Start over, reconnect with who we are now.

Well I apologized for always having a wall up for never giving him a chance. For not just giving us a chance. I told him I was done, holding on to something that was ruining my life. We are starting over.

Things have been so much better. I never really thought about it until today when I was saying a prayer in the shower. I was thanking my heavenly father for the peace that has been in our home for the last 3 months or so. I was reflecting and when I thought about my past there was NO hurt, NO pain, NO resentment, NO regret, No hate. I have never felt that way before and I realized then that he took it from me. Like everyone has talked about. My heavenly father took my pain. He took the thing I couldn't let go of for so many years and now I can move on. I can grow and love again. I am so grateful for this experience, sad that it took me so long to realize that my savior just wanted me to give it to him but so happy that I finally did.

I don't talk much about my testimony, I don't ever want to offend those who don't believe what I do, but I do believe. I know my savior loves me, he died for me. He WANTS us all to be happy. He took my pain away. I love him.

I am still me, imperfect in so many ways but my heart is full of love for him.