Testimony

So as many as you know I have a huge fear of speaking in front of people. I won't pray, speak or bear my testimony in front of people.

Today I had a aha moment about the atonement and I want to share or at least write it down so I can remember at times when I forget what Christ has done for us.

I am not a good writer so bear with me. Many know I have struggled with certain relationships in my life. I have held onto a lot of hurt, pain and resentment. I didn't live a perfect life and have made mistakes in my life. I went through a repentance process for one of my mistakes and I knew in my heart my heavenly father had forgiven me, however I couldn't forgive myself. Not for the sin per say, I really could care less about that but the outcome of it. How my life is because of it. Nothing was the way I had planned my life to be. I never felt loved, wanted etc as a result of it. So I was mad, angry and full of resentment. I was quick to judge a person in my life and never let him in. I always had a wall up and I wasn't going to believe anything he said because I was hurt. I wanted something that was never going to happen, It couldn't there was no way to change the past. So I have lived 12 years mad at my life.

Well when you are in a relationship and always mad it makes life harder and life was getting unbearable. I didn't know if it was going to make it. I was talking to a friend of mine who is going to therapy right now and she said to me. You know what Ms. ? would say. She would say "how long, how long do you need to be mad about this? 10 min, 3 months, a year, Take the time and then let it go. There is nothing you can do to change it. Let it go." So I thought about it for a long time and realized that I am the reason my relationship is failing. I have to let this go. Start over, reconnect with who we are now.

Well I apologized for always having a wall up for never giving him a chance. For not just giving us a chance. I told him I was done, holding on to something that was ruining my life. We are starting over.

Things have been so much better. I never really thought about it until today when I was saying a prayer in the shower. I was thanking my heavenly father for the peace that has been in our home for the last 3 months or so. I was reflecting and when I thought about my past there was NO hurt, NO pain, NO resentment, NO regret, No hate. I have never felt that way before and I realized then that he took it from me. Like everyone has talked about. My heavenly father took my pain. He took the thing I couldn't let go of for so many years and now I can move on. I can grow and love again. I am so grateful for this experience, sad that it took me so long to realize that my savior just wanted me to give it to him but so happy that I finally did.

I don't talk much about my testimony, I don't ever want to offend those who don't believe what I do, but I do believe. I know my savior loves me, he died for me. He WANTS us all to be happy. He took my pain away. I love him.

I am still me, imperfect in so many ways but my heart is full of love for him.